Chapter 1

The thing that I will remember most about the day I said goodbye to Cody is the forceful exhalation of breath as he passed away. Some call it chi or lifeforce; whatever and all it was, it marked the end of life as I knew it with my dog of 10 years. If you have not experienced putting your dog to sleep, it may be difficult to understand what that last breath sounded like and meant to me. That was over five years ago, and I feel like I never truly grieved for Cody until recently. The feelings that I had that day I put him to sleep have relentlessly followed me around these five years. They were difficult to acknowledge and deal with – and not without good reason.

Cody’s death ended about 12 months of extreme highs and lows. I found out that I was pregnant for the first time, then six months into it my sister tragically and suddenly died. Three months later my horse colicked very badly and almost died, and  then came the birth of my first child. She was and is beautiful, and a tremendous gift, but I was exhausted constantly and a new mother and she had allergies and eczema. This led to blood testing for the allergies and the result of having to find a new home for one of my two beloved cats; the doctors wanted me to find new homes for both, but I just could not bear it and fortunately stood firm with a compromise by giving away the one with long hair, a beautiful little calico named Ceili (kay-lee). I was devastated, and I miss her and regret that decision to this day (my daughter outgrew her allergies and now sleeps with the other cat on her bed some nights). Then came the scare from the M.D. of my daughter’s head size, forcing us to take her in for an MRI scan of her brain. Of course, she was fine, but it was quite scary nonetheless. And next it would be Cody, almost too much to bear.

I remember coming back home by myself from the vet after having put him to sleep, and settling into some kind of numb state. I hugged my husband in the garage and cried briefly, then he took Cody’s collar and put it in storage. I did not want to keep it but he insisted, knowing it would be important to me later. From the moment that I turned to walk into the house and tend to my baby daughter, I started stuffing my feelings about Cody and his death. I could not bring myself to tell my husband what the vet’s proposed diagnosis was either – slug bait poisoning. He had come down with the symptoms overnight, no control of his legs and too weak to walk, and nothing like the normal high energy healthy dog that he usually was. He would never be that dog again.

Gardening was my husband’s hobby and passion, and I felt like it took my dog’s life, the dog that had been a faithful companion for 10 years since I first saw him at the humane society. On that day, I had just closed on my first home and was in the process of moving in when a co-worker told me about some puppies that had been on the morning news. I knew I was going to get a dog eventually but this seemed so soon with all the boxes still to be unpacked, etc. Something told me I should check it out though, and when I saw him I knew he was the one. He was cute as could be, about eight weeks old, Shepherd/Husky mix and probably Labrador.  Thus began my journey with Cody.